Forgiveness is the Way to PeaceBy Sabine
“If I do not forgive my captors, I’ll never be free from prison. For prison will forever be a part of my unforgiving heart and life.’ Forgiveness is an extremely delicate and elusive notion but like many I feel that it is one which could release so much pain if it were better understood in all its ins and outs and practiced with a sincere and loving heart. As in all my articles, my attempt here is only to present my personal understanding of this highly sensitive subject charged with religious overtones and help define it, not to tread on anyone’s beliefs or impose my own sense of right and wrong. Fundamentally, forgiveness is a creative means of coping, a way to heal the self by letting go of justified feelings of bitterness and resentment. Its nature is complex and multi-dimensional and includes, among others, religious, ethical and political components with far-reaching societal and even global repercussions. The virtue of forgiveness - which is very pertinent to our increasingly conflictual times - is currently at the centre of an intense concern, particularly as so many of us as individuals and as communities seem to be having a very hard time making it part of our everyday living and choosing it over revenge and retaliation which never provide an adequate solution. Forgiving those who hurt us has become even more challenging today than ever before. We all have a place in our heart which only aspires to love and I truly believe that our greatest need in this life is to feel accepted, loved, forgiven and whole. Forgiveness is love in action; it is calling forth the strongest love that dwells within our soul. To forgive is a shift of focus from blaming and judging ourselves or others towards an understanding that no one behaves perfectly. Virtually all of us want to give and receive forgiveness in our lives and forgiveness really is the only way forward for all. It is unfortunately not something that we frequently offer ourselves and others and it is not something that we are all ready to accept when it is offered to us. Every thing that we do affects the rest, every thought that we think affects the rest, and every issue that remains unresolved even at the other side of the world also affects everything and everyone else. Whenever we hurt someone we hurt ourselves and whenever we bring joy to someone we bring joy to ourselves. This is rooted in the knowledge that all creation in all its forms is divine and that it is governed by the same laws. Our purpose on this earth plane is to remember our divine nature, our oneness and to help others do so too in any possible way we can so that we may all grow as spiritual beings. Unconditional Love is the Divine Presence which lies in the heart of each being and when we begin to think and act from a place of love, forgiveness begins to flow. No one can take on the pain of the whole world on their own but every one can do something positive to make the world a better place for all. We can begin to do this right now in our everyday life through practicing forgiveness for what we have done to others, for what others have done to us and for what others have done to others (though offering forgiveness to those who have intentionally hurt us/others and are unrepentant is of course much more difficult than offering forgiveness to those who have unintentionally hurt us/others and are sorry for what they have done), and for what we have done to ourselves, either acting as individuals or as individuals within a group. Those who are touched by the grace of forgiveness find it natural to extend forgiveness to their offenders regardless of the offence and whether it is intentional or not and serious or not. Contrary to what many think, forgiveness is not an easy choice but one of the hardest ones to make. Forgiveness is not a random one-off act but a way of being, every moment of the day. Forgiveness is an internal process and an external one too. Forgiveness applies to all, all the time and I do not think that there is any one of us who can say that they have not wronged another being or have not themselves been the victim of an injury, at some point or other. Any offence against someone, whatever the nature and degree of severity of the wrongdoing and whether it is real or perceived, always represents an upset in the balance of personal power between the two parties – with on the dipped side of the scales the victim generally experiencing a numbing sense of loss and on the upper side the perpetrator generally able to carry on with his/her life as if nothing had happened. As long as the victim remains at such a low ebb and harmony has not been restored, s/he will not be able to forgive the person who has hurt him/her even if the offence is relatively small. The pain suffered may be physical, emotional or mental or a combination. Each case is totally unique and needs to be approached as such. There is no one form fits all procedure. Recent important research highlights that forgiveness provides a much more effective and morally superior way of dealing with anger and negative emotions toward ourselves and others than denying or pretending that we are not hurt, experiencing a sense of loss or are angry. Anger hampers the ability to think and feel rationally. Anger when directed at the self is known as guilt and when directed at others as resentment. Anger is a natural emotional reaction to any threat, injustice or violence of whatever level perpetrated against us and even when the injury is relatively small, we can become blinded by anger and revenge. Putting on a façade of indifference and pretending no harm has been done is not the right response to the injustice sustained either. Unresolved anger due to unforgiveness consumes the soul. Anger needs to be channeled and directed constructively so that instead of being part of the problem we can become part of the solution. Reacting or repressing anger only poisons our lives with more suffering and unhappiness and keeps us stuck in the past, preventing us to move on. Before the victim can find it in his/her heart to forgive, s/he needs first to rebuild his/her self-esteem and feel less vulnerable. To forgive is a sign of strength not of weakness. As Mahatma Gandhi himself said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” It takes a great deal of courage and love to confront the pain. If we cannot let go of what happened, we will not be free from the past to live in the present moment. We will remain victim of our past and of our negative emotions. Through embracing the virtue of humility, we can live in the grace of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a personal choice that no one else can make for us, it must emanate from our willingness to do whatever we can to repair the hurt that has been done. Genuine forgiveness is not something that we can be coerced or rushed into making lightly but we can seek guidance and help to find it. We may need a certain period of time before we are ready to offer our forgiveness to the party who has wronged us. Forgiveness has deep emotional and interpersonal consequences for the parties involved and in offering the gift of forgiveness to ourselves or to others, we receive the gift of healing in return. For those among us who are able to release the anger and the pain, "much of the giving comes back to us in a form a religious person might call peace ... in a diminishment of anxiety and depression and an increase of hope and of self-esteem." – Enright. Forgiveness is a gift conferred upon our perpetrator which also lifts us to a higher level. To ask for forgiveness when we have done wrong is difficult because we know that we deserve the reverse. Therefore, by making a genuine apology, we should not seek to exonerate ourselves from the burden of guilt as this would only add to the harm already done, but we should seek to release the suffering perpetuated by the guilt. It is all a question of owning up to our guilt, not repressing it. To forgive is to release ourselves or others for something we or someone else did some time ago. We can become prisoner of our self-righteous resentment. Forgiveness softens the heart and allows resentment to dissolve. To forgive, however, is not to forget but it enables us to focus on the present moment and detach ourselves from the pain. There is no unanimity in the debate that forgiveness should come before or after repentance on the part of the offending party. Some hold the view that forgiving the offender prior to his repenting does not to relieve him/her of the burden of his/her act but is a self-centrered way of easing our own conscience. Others, on the other hand, are of the opinion that the offender will find it extremely hard to repent unless s/he is forgiven first because s/he feels diminished and in a position of inferiority. In the majority of cases, however, the perpetrator is not ready to make an effort to earn our good will by atoning for his/her wrongdoing, or at least not straightaway. And if s/he makes an apology for his/her act in an insincere way that does not show a true repenting heart - whether the apology is obtained under duress or made as a matter of strategic convenience -, what lesson(s) has s/he learnt? It may give the victim a false sense that repair has been done to the injustice perpetrated against him/her but it does not generally discourage the perpetrator from repeat offending. In forgiving first, on the other hand, there is always the risk that the offender might never repent - but that is his/her burden to bear, not our own. "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” - Wayne Dwyer |
